Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize