Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
PANTIES FOUND
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
