Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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