ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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