U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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