I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
If I had your ass I would rule the world
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
