My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
