saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Randomize
