Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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