I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
