Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
