Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
