Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
