Only a mothe r could love this liver
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
