It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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