Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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