i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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