Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
