I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
sarcasm needs its own font
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Floor bacon is actually really good
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
