thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
