Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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