Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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