I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
