I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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