Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
