I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
