It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
