I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
