Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
