Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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