Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
