You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
