I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
