I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
