I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
