not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize