My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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