You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You pole danced in your parka.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
