Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
