a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
