The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
