Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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