It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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