i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
