I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
