You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
