Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
