There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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