Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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