i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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