The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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