sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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