I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
