her vagina looked like bernie madoff
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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