I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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