I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
