Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
